beanaaa

its been a while and i was doing so good until two weeks ago
just anxiety is back. no sleep ever. my boyfriend found out. dumb.
mad probs hard to explain and why would i need to explain it to myself anyways.
i need him  but its like maybe i dont. idk i couldnt imagine my life without him. but i wanna party. thats just me.
and he hates it. but that aint shit and not even closs to anyting im worried about.




cutting. suck. cutting and keeping busy is the only thing that calms me down
aka drink going out laughing partying. all of which i cant do or im not givin enough to my relationship
understandable. yes . considering more then 4 months afgo i kisses another boy will drunk
suckage? yess. goodie two shoes isnt me. beside ppl are gonna talk no matter what i do. because im pretty and i go out im alway gonne be a slutty party girl too everyone.
soo fuck that.

fuck the fact that it it 3 am right now and i cant slep bc if i go into my room i willll pull out a razor.


fuck the fact that when i was chillin with myles john and dallas at my house at 2 in the morning my dad cell phone rings and anotehr girl is on the line saying danny? im like who the fuck is this dont call this shit again.



fuck the fact that my dad make my mom cry every night, vuz he's an asshole andcant keep his dick in his pant. fuck the fact that she is an umbearable bitch because of it. fuck the fact that  every day my dad comes up to me tryin to act like he want to be close. fuck the fact that i cannot count on any of my supposal "friends"

idk fuck it.

i got over shit with kay... like always lol  its so stupidd but i still feel the same way
i didnt cut last night partically cuz i was soo busy doing my 4 paged paper about the worrd nigga and my paper on ppulation dynamics for bio wich wasnt even the assignment. and kept me up until 12 am!

i had a huuuge tantrume in my car cuz my sweatshirt was choking me and my mom was making me go to school and i was crying lol and you can see..seeing how im like dead sickly ill right now i was noot too happy.
 i walked into homeroom late today and this little scrawny puerto rican was like damn u sexy maa. i was in the worstttt mood! adn i turned around and i was like "who the fuck are you?!"! and then i kept walking and i was like little fucking munchkin trying to talk to me and shit and everyone heard including mr lunn. lmfao and later today durring capt testing he was like i heard your  language today.. you were nottt a happy camper.. and iw aslike lmfao lmfao lmfao.

ne ways the pills i took for my cold totally zonked me out, schedual is all wacked out cuz of cap so i ended up have 2 lunches.  wich was goood.  but i was like laying on my bag mumbleing dmx "WHERE da HOOD AT" (btw im a huuuuge closet dmx fan. lol myles says im the only little white girl he knows that knows more words to his songs then he does.) lol and i kept picking my head up and saying dumb shit and the dallas would just slowly put my head back down. ++ i had my hood over my head. but then pinka was like and this is all she said " dena you have to cheer up cuz ur making yourself sick by not being happy" and all of a sudden i just started ballllllinnnng my eyes out! for like 20 minutes.everyone ws like denaaaa whats wrong and looking all concerned. alll my make up washed away in a matter of like 2minutes. and i have prettyy secure makeup if i do say so mysself.! lol dallas and kay were like omg omg pinka stfu! it was soo funny cuz i started laughing while millions of tears fell from my face. like i was happy and sad at the same time.. i deff felt like i smoked  like 4 L's today though lmfao
in science iu was picking on martin soo much,,he wasnt even messing with me he would like say something mean to lindsay and i'd be like shut the fuck up u fag u wanna die today? lmfaoo, thats why i like him around.. he's my little scratch that BIG punching bag lol
and then lindsay told me  that dariy queen just opened again and i started to cry againn! i swear i was going fucking crazy today! like even more then usual

then myles didnt go home after his early dimissal but stayed with me at luch which i was reeeall happy about lol  he was making fun of me thewhoooole time lmfaoo but he's is the best because he knows exactly what to do to cheer me up. andhe walked me to my capt room. the text was mad easy


then me  and dallas missed te bus on purpose so that andrew would take us home.. i hate the bus,, im soo not used to riding it.. it deff sucks. but ne ways dallas made me ry cuz she brought up slade. which is the location i made ou with skiba =/ anf then andrew was like alot of guys go back to there old girlfirends cuz the new one is missing something. lol he did it just to get me mad and it worked lol. he is totally in love with dallas. lmfaooo but shee has a boyfriend and she doesnt plan on cheating on  him.... anymore at least lmfao
then we ate fooood
and mommy came home she brought me cookies and i took a shower and now im gonna go take double the recomended amount of night time cold medicine and sleep foreverrr=]

xoxo<33




omg btw. steph has something in her myspace about self harm awareness. im maddd freaked., cuz i know she has a livejournal. idk if i 've ever said this but if anyone ever say what i wrote in here. i would absolutely die. this is for me.. and strangers who dont know me and never will and only the kinda that wanna help me.  idkkk im prolly just paranoid.  but the possability that she could be reading this freaks me out. i wonder if she is a cutter too. hmm none of my business i guess. but idk.. idk what im thinking at all. i can still never forgive her. anyywayys peace sonnn

i swear to fucking god im gonna kill her. kill her kill her
i'd kill somebody else to have her go back to college
she sees one of her sweatshirts in my room and flipssssss

5smlvhw9084y kfsd like its a big deal "stop trying to be like me"!
 im like,stfu that last thing i wanna be is you you pshyco bitch!
ahh and its like constant, you not as pretty as me.
your not as smart as me
 you have cankles kinda... haha mine are sooo nice
your fat... hmmm really that fucking explains why im only 1 size bigger then her is jeans
and i wear smaller shirts then she does, and i didnt have to have a eating disorder and lose 25 pounds in 3 months to do it either and at least i've never tried killing myself.. formally at least.. and even though i know she acts this way cuz she's jealous because i used to be this ugly ducklying and she used to be the only pretty one.. and now everyone is saying how im getting prettier then her ( which i totally dont see) im also twice the athlete she;ll ever be i remember all her tantrumes from when dad would brag about me to his friends. she has this way of making me feel like shit. constantly. like anything different from your perfect older sister is wrong or wierd because she is absolutely perfect but you'll never be able to live up to her ever . i hate it. i hate her when she is like this. she is 20  years old. justtt fuckkkkk herrr! fuck her and her pressure. rrrrr


she's partially what makes me wanna cut

AND WHERE THE FUCK IS MY DAD!  HE GETS OUTTA WORK AT 4! AND IT TAKES NOTHING MORE THEN 30 MINS TO GET HOME... NOT 3 AND A HALF

FUCKING IDIOT.

im feeling a bit better from saturday night... kinda
i called sage after i wrote on this and just cried my eyes out to here a sarah for like an 30 mins.
she offered to to have steve come pick me up and take me to her house so that i didnt do anytihng crazy.
but it was late and i wasnt about to ask my dad.. he already new i was drunk
i dont even remember if i cut. it waas all kinda blurry. and i dont remember if the huge scars on my thong line is from before saturday night or after.. idk so i felt really guilty obviously. dallas cheated on john last night too. but she wasnt to upset about it she kept making fun of me. me and skiba talked alittle it was weird that we hooked up and a terrible idea. i used to like him so much but i care about myles more then anyone in this world... he saves me.

  i called  myles and invited him for dinner. everyone who knows about skiba told me not to tell him. and i agree. he'd absolutely killlllllll skiba; totally and for sure.  when i was on the phone with myles he kept asking me if someting was wrong. even when i told him nothing was he said my voice sounded not normal... hes just paranoid about me cutting all the time. and i kno he has no clue about anything cuz if he did,, like i said skiba would be dead. i feel so bad about what i did.. but if i tell myles i know hes never speak to me again and he'd be in jail. it was one mistake, theres nothing i can do about it now, i just have to let it go and not let it ruin us.
anywa baby came overr and i was really happy to be with him like really really. .  my family is on their best behavior when he is around. we were all laughing and not mean last night . and i love how he is so comfortable in my house.. or at least he pretends to be lol. me and kay did dishes me and my dad did even argue. even though myles tells me that we were bickering.. he has noo idea what that word even means lol.

anyways we were talking and he was telling me how he was really pissed and people had to calm him down at the party he was at cuz he wanted to go kick skiba's ass.. i was like uhh why?*omg omg** and he was like "well honestly the way i see it you dont take my girl in your car and drive drunk like  an asshole and get into  an accident if you dont want me to beat your ass down."- exact words. i was just thinking the whole time as he was getting mad was omggg if u new everything skiba's life would be over, like realllyyy. ahhh.

well then i thought my fish died lmfaoo and he helped me clean it.  we had alot fun he is nooo comparison to skiba.. im never gonna forgive myself for what i did.

anyways today wassss blah
im rediculously sick right now. i cant stop sneezing and coughing up lungs and im tired and justt miserable lunch sucked,, my friends are split in half between some useless ass drama. like if ur gonna have drama at least have it be good.. not like gay as fuck like these people make it.  we took up 2 different lunch tables. instead of over crowding out regular one as usual.  sooo gayy!!! kept snapping at everyone who was talking shit. i was like stfu ur gay u shouldnt care about other ppls lives. and of course they did shut up. you know why? because i run shit.

plus we had capt tests .. which were basically very easy.. but the school had a lock down cuz there was a bomb in it or something. you know.. the usualy .. so they blocked off the streets and kept us in the school.  wtf is that logic?! w.e it was just the sophomores i guess. but yeah thats nb for yea. ps i love mr lunn  he is the best  teacher ever
lol myles kept  texting me making fun of me that he was at home and i was taking a test. so did lex she was like i here theres a bomb.. DONT DIE!  anddd kuba didnt even touch his test he was just trying to talk to me the whole time... that dumbass,  and me marissa kayla and michelle kept cheating off of eachotherr. lmfao

anyways i came home with dallas and made lotsa food  as usualll=)  and i was sick as everrr rawr,. andrew was boutta come over with marc but we scratched that shit, lol


anyways i gtg write and essay about the word nigga. lol
xoxo

i just chreaated on my bnoyfriend
i mayt kill myslef
im so stupopf i can teven stand it
gooooooooooooooddd i choeated on my boyfirendddd!
im drunk. sstil
omg omg omg omg omg









the weak was awaaaaazing till now i had happy dads with no cutting i got sarah and sage high fo he first time adn i hand soo much fun tonight
until i chhheated on my boyfirned
omgg ggggggggggggg i hat myself.   omgggggggg


my dad asked me if i was frnk' i was like noo im not drunked im not evener doing that again obv a lie, people keep telling my parents that im a wild child i dont deserve to live. i cheated on the guy i reeeeally care about just cuz i was jusrtenk and horney. what do i don now??? i cant tell myles. he's killl skiba like literally and ever talk to me again. an di need him more then anyhting int the world but this  was bound to happened with me and skiba i just cant beleive it happeneed tonight. im gonna go cut. alooot
becasue i hate myself. s oo  much

hopefully i die or something
io ahte my life.

sooo tired today but i got through it with a smile=]
had schoool nothing special just the usual; but like all the sophomores were is suuch a good mood
i was happy when myles's practice got canceled and i went overr
i hadnt like seen him is a couple day and that always sucks
besides sex defff puts me in a good mood=)
but like always hes had to bring up the cutting thing; "how long? have you signed the paper? blah blah blah"
i lied and told him i hadnt in a week and that it was just a bad scar. but really i did last night.. but not alot i swear.
if he believes me then he's dumb lol but iim glad he didnt push the issue.
i still have to email so therapists, get some feedback he said that he would take me their or w.e but nahh thats not what i want
im not sure what i want

anyways then mom picked me up and i got my hair cut. i swearr thats like my faav thing. if i didnt hate short hair i'd do it everyyyday.
then mom took me out to friendlys for an apology dinner. she felt bad.. and i know she was just really upset. so much for the apology thing cuz dad is out doing the same thing tonight and she is in the saaaame mood.

then i had softball. most of those girls really suck and kelsey iidkk.. she is shady  but i loooove my bribri lmfao we have so much fun in our hatred for one another... that girl is like my sister.. lmfao and danielle made me laugh soo much. steph was there too.. im trying to let go of all the drama we've had with eachother,.. but now just cuz i do shit like hand her a book in class she thinks we are cool and were defff not. ew. maybe one day i'll write about our fight. but for now all you gotta know is that she said horrible things to me thinking she was gonna get backed up. but igot everyone on my side and ruined her life for like  a goood 6 months.. like no lie she had no friends.. w.e dont mess with me and im the nicest person ever. if not thenn.. you life is over. ;) i stole gaterade from the batting place lol.. bri was like omgg! but then she drank from it anyways. dumbass lol<33

me and dad didnt tlak the whole way to batting.. and we fought like mad men all the way home. i think it wouldnt be a lie for me to say i hate him. now he's out god know where again.. asshole

newayyyys i got homeworkk && i stankk
till next time?
xoxo


btw.. i miss gossip girll. when is it coming back onnnn!!

good day ended quick when mom came home and just bitched at me for everything
telling me im a slob screamiung and pushing at me about my house. telling me "you dont  deserve anything"  wich isnt that bad.. if i had askedf her for something in the first place.
when my parents do that. i pretend to have a thick skin i either surve it righ tback to them & laugh it off like what they think doesnt matter or i reply with a shut the fuck up. but it hurts really bad. like she came home and i was cleaning for her and she still screamed.

i forgot today was a dads not coming home because he is out fucking other people day.. i shoulda known she would be in a bad mood and take it out on me . i shoulda just went to my room. it hurts so bad that he does this.. we dont even bother asking where he was anymore when he comes home at anywhere from 8-10 at night.

&he wonders why i hate him.. like he reeeeally doesnt understand why we have a relationship.. the worst part is that he is ruining my relationship with my mother. they are the reason i am terrified of love,, the reason i dont even know what it is at all. the reason why if myles the boy i care about soooo much ever said those words to me.. id prolly break up with him on the spot. because those words absolutely terrify me..i dont even know if they are true words for anyone.

and ways my anxiety and stress and pissed off level had officially risin. i was supposed to go to the gym and see my baby with dallas. (myles says cute things that make me feel better without even knowing it like today he told me how bad his practice was because it was long and "denaless" it put the biggest smile on my face).. maybe work off some of this shit.. buuut mom said no. cuz ii dont deserve anything dallas ended up not going anywhere anyways

i figured out hat i gained like  over 10 pounds sence a couple months ago. i dont feel less attracive.. but it should be illegal to feed me like ever again for like a couple months..i tried throwing up once or twice. but i just felt gross the whoole day after words.. like worse then being full i felt fifthy so that isnt my thing. and i looove food way to much to just not eat.. specially pastaaaa! i eat it every day what can i say  im sicilian. a fat asss sicilian =/

im not sure what im gonnna do tonight. lets see if im gonna be able to sleep. if i can sleep  it off.. then i wont cut.    but that prolly isnt possible


xoxo

today was a really good day. i woke up feeling good; that hasnt happened in a really long time.
even though i got into a fight with my mom about my shirt that showed to much clievage it couldnt ware me down
lol iii slammed the door screaming shut the fuck up cuz she wouldnt get off my bag about it. right in front of bethany and chris lol they were looking at me like youur crazy. not like i didnt already know that.lol

nothing really good happened today, i was just... happy?

idkkkk but i liked it. everyone kept saying shit about my shirt. it wasnt even that bad i thought i looked cuuutee hahaa

the only bad thing about today is i havnt seen myles all dayy wich is poooop


idk im going to the gym today hopefully he goes toooo


ill prolly write laterr xoxo

"She dun heard so many lies she dont know wuts true or not.. Shorty like a valet service dats cuz she been through a lot.. but i put her car in park and never let her cry alone..i listen to her heartbeat... becuz it plays ma favorite song" =]]] h e is my rock<33

i really hate family dinners
my family is not functional. i dont think we have ever had a real, normal happy converstation. without arguing.
the best we get to is debating. laaaaaaaaaamooo.

and its the little comments my dad say to my mom like dont fucking invite me anymore to dinner then if you hate me so much. like wtf assholeeeeee yo uwerent invite you jsut came an sat down chuuu now?



wateverr
then mom talked to mommy palumbo about me going on vaca with dallas
my moms all like dena if you wanna go you gotta change you attitude and be nice to everyone. ur not nice to us here blah blhaand i have to try and act like i love my dad. wtfff she is the one who helped me to hate him!
soo w.ee im going on vaca weather they like it or not cuz im deff nottt staying here while all my friends go on schoool trips and other niiiiice vacations

im not really madd just wound up i guess. im nooot gonna do anyhting stupide tonight,
i swear

havnt written in a whileee. even though i promised i would sooo lets see

saterday i woke  up at like 2! eek it was bad i ha to get ready real quick for my little cousins bday party bowling
i was excited to see erica! lol im a terrible bowler i got liek a 35 w/ bumpers! untill the last gaame i did awsome and been my whole family with a 156 lol. i havt gona bowling sence ilike 8th grade,, even though last yeari used to tell my parents i was going bowling all the time when really i was going to parties and hanging out with college guys lmfaoo i hate eating in front of that side of my family alll of them are like stick thin and have eating disorders so its kinda uncomfortable. there was a special ed kid there who i guess went to my middle school.. lol he kept coming up to me and telling me i was pretty and talking to me about that trick gum that shocks you. it was funny wierd cute and creepy alla t once cuz he wouldnt leave me alone or let me stay with my fmaily.. all my cousins were laughing at me aloooot and myles told me i always seem to attract the special ed kids.. which is true,, i've had 2 stalkers in the past year and a boy who comes up to me and kisses me on the cheek everyday haha.. i also saw emilyy andddd monica lol i love them. anyways then i went out with matt lex skibe and dallas. we drove to the beach lmfao it was funnyymy dad finally raised my curfue to 12.. hes just trying to get me to like him. then we chilled at matts "wait wait wait.. so shes pretty... aaaaaandd shes cool?" "and you could prolly get it in" lmfaooo! came home dallas slept over,, it was like 12 and my dad "wasnt there" my mom acted like he was at the movies but we alll knew where he really was. it hurt me, i had to hide i was upset. nad so did my mom.. assss usual. i wanted to cut real bad because i was so upset and i had alot fo anxiety but dallas was there and thats wat kept me form doing it.. i still couldnt fall asleep until like 5 though cuz i was uneasy,,i cried alittle too. but nooo big deal

ooops it was me and myles's anneversary lol buuuuut  sunday was a dallas day just for me and my bestt friend<33.. he was busy anyways lol we woke up on sunday and ate lotss a foood=] our favorite thing of courseee lol including mint chip ice creaaam! my fav! lol  then we took a walk up to the school and smoked,, and got dunkin donuts everything bagels lol thats our shit ;] then we came back and hungout and slept lmfao. then she left. i had dinner and then i had to do like 23549027403274 years of homework. i ended up calling myles later it was a short convo cuz he was swamped but he told me that he was feeling kinda depressed i guess lately and that if he isnt like chipper not to take it the wrong way... i wish i could comforted him more.. i had no clue what to say.. hes got alto of stress goin on with his senior year and all.. this is when my sis tried to kill herself...but she is bipolar so it didnt just happen completely outta nowhere. i ended up doing homework for a looong time and falling alseep at like 230.  i cut that night.. kinda deep.. it felt good. but now im mad because i feel so controlled and weak and im dreading the day when my boyfriend see's


today i woke up with less problems then i thought i would. but i was still sooo tired. i like school theres a bunch of girls kissing my ass 24/7 and ghetto guys screaming eyy mommi at me all the time lol. but i hate the learning part.. goshh its soo boring and id much rather play with my split ends... maybeee i have add along with all my other problems now! i saw myles he he hadnt gotten and wink of sleep. his eyes were soo red i felt bad for my baby. i ended up not going to softball. which im gonna get my ass kicked by my coach who hates me next time i see her. w,e im to good for her to kick me off the team and iwas reaaaally tired, she can suck my dick. me and dallas watched cinderella haha we are regressing. ate lotssa food and talked alot. specially about andrew and alicja???! weird mix i cant believve shes gonna hook them up. and then her mom picked her upp and soon after my mom came.  i kinda got alot of homework so i gotta stop this. i thnk today is gonna be a good day.. ahh! bite my tounge huh? w.eeee


till next time
xoxo


or and that special ed kid from the bowling place or w.e came and found me at lunch today...yeeah..

im sick of my family bringing me down
ur ass is big, im the prettier sister, ur stupid, ur a slob, little shit, brat ectt everyday
i cant wait to go back to schoool and see  ppl who compliment me everday.
w.e i dont give a fuck if that sounds bad

i cut. last night.
it relieved me from everything
but this morning i couldnt get up
i was so miserable i just told my mom i was sick and stayed in bead until like 20 mins ago.

im sick of complaining to my boyfriend i wanna be happy
i am sick of thinking about everything i just want to be better.

i got into a big fight with my dad. he tried to hit me. but i kicked him in the balls.
thats when my mom walked in from shoveling and he blamed the whole fight on me

he left to idk where and instead of my mom comforting me im forced to comfort her.
she says she cant take this for much longer. i think we have more in common then we both know.





the sad part is is that yesterday would have been a good day

woke up and cleaned all day
got a crazy phone call from sergio on ed's phone he was like ahh im going to the navy soon come smoke with us
i havnt hung out with them in foeeverrrr but they were already outside my hizz. i had no clothes on  but a cute braw and thong and had to run in my dry laundry and get a big shirt to wear before they came in !! i missed sergio and im reall glad i got to see him! so yeah we smoked a fat one. and i was blazed as shiiiiiit like worse then i've ever been

later myles came over and to my dissapointment kayla did too. he made us food though it was goood. mom was out god knows where, and dad just came home like 2 mins ago(10;15) in a badd mood=[ i wish he would just come home and love his family. anyways so kayla was anoying and stayed with us the whole time.. i just wanted to be alone with my boyfriend is that tooo much to ask.!?lol and she decided it would be cute to show home videos.. lmfao i was soo embarrassed
mom came home at like 8 and she just wouldnt stoppp talkingg


ehh that all for now i;mm gonna go call my biffs
maybe ask bri if she want to chill




i still feel high





i want to cut right now.

coulnt sleep again last night. sister was up with another one of her epesodes. i havnt heard one of those in a while.



im hoping boyfriend will come over so we can get it on.lol he never comes here cuz its always a really poopyspot. but i have the house to myself. dads got.. welp dad is getting it in tonight with god knows who and mom wont tell me where she is going.

today was an extremely better day compared to last night just for the soul purpose that i wasnt upset about anything... isnt that sad? lol

well i fell asleep at like 430 last night after texting myles like my lifee friggen story of the day... i was so anxious. uncomfortable, upset and scared last night my parents woke up at like 3 and started screaming at me.. i just wanna punch them in the face most of the time. i finally sent my txt  to myles and felt alittle relieved and i managed to fall asleep

i woke up at like 12;30ish to his txt back telling me that he was proud of me and that he was really happy i'm doing this. Somehow he always knows what to say to make me feel worth it. i'm pretty luckyy. the best part about him is that he's not real mushy and hes really strong person inside and out. i always feel protected when im with him and it makes it so much more sincere when he says sweet stuff. I also dont mind that he's a really jealous person. it makes me feel wanted and idont find it overbearing like other girls would. dumb stuff with guys happens to me all the time and i feel like ppl are always watching and talking about me waiting for me to do something wrong since no i have a boyfriend all the dumb slut rumors are kinda dead. but it causes problems when people talk so much about me.. and he has such strong jealous feelings we've only really ever fought about it once but it sucked. people are always talking about him to. he has an ex girlfriend who is still inlove with him... and she isnt very discrete about it if you know what i mean... bitch. i'd pound her face in, but the only problem is i actually kinda like her as a person and im the one who told him that he should be friends with her and that i didnt mind. and i really dont, but when ppl i dont even really talk to come up to me  and start asking me questions about it, it deff gets on my lastttt nerve. people need to start focusing on their own lives and stop worrying about mine.. considering nobody really cares about who i reeeeeeally am anyways

moms on my case all day today its funny how she can be in my head even when she's far at work. her and her stupid little notes and check lists. her voice just makes me wanna hit a wall.

i cleaned my room all day today im such a slob. my auntie beth had no problem telling me that either when she came over. she's such a dislikeable lady so proper and pompous but i love her like soo much lmfao

me and my bestestt friend hung out today for the first time like all vacation! she's so busy with her new boyfriend. gosh i love her so much. i'd seriously die with out her. she like excepts me for my insaness but she doesnt make me feel like i need to be taken care of. a mixture between her and my bf and i got a pretty good support system. except for the fact that they arent mixed together so.. not that much.  i've told her about my problems.. she has no clueeee how to handle it at all so she just pretends that it doesnt exist. which is good sometimes cuz i just forget about everything when we are together and all we do is laugh, i laugh until i cry multiple times whenever we are together, but the bad part is when i really need someone shes not a great  help  i've actually cut myself bad a couple of times while she was like downstairs in my living room though i know that is not her fault at all. I'm a bitch and she just doesnt wanna push my buttons and get me mad at her. i just dont wanna bother anybody either you knoa? noooobody likes a complainer sometimes it better if i just shut my mouth and dealing with my shit the only way i know hoe.   i love her for just letting me be and excepting me

we saw the bucket list today it was soo hilarious and sadd and it made me think alot about how i wanna get outta here and travel the world.. like really enjoy my life. she said the only thing that kept her from sobbing we me whimpering in the background. lol we also got her some sexy snow pants we couldnt stop laughing the whoooole time.  she's going to vermont with her boyfriend and his family. they have been going out for like 2 weeks  its way to early for her to be like this  but im happy for her and i hope things work out. for god sakes my 2 month is coming up soo 4 days! actually lol. it sounds short but me and him were like seriously talking for like 3 months anyways


dads walking around miserable as everr cuz he has a cold. i swear if i hear him moan and say im sick 1 more time im gonna lose it! hes not even that sick. hes trrying real hard to be nice to me but i dont think he understands that until  he starts getting along with his wife, stops making the same mistakes over and over again and stops fucking other women.. im neever gonna forgive him..


gosh i wrote like the friggen bible! ohh well.. till next time

its deffinetly 3:34 in the morning I've been fighting with my dad again. he say sorry buy me stuff and thinks it is over
i'm up in the den because i know if i go in my room im gonna take the razor agian. My best friend is had hung out with her boyfriend this entire vacation not me. IM considering texting my boyfriend just to wake him up and be a jerk. and because im looking for something else to do that is going to take away my antsy-ness right now.

i joined livejouirnal because i was looking up help for my problem and found a couple journal that i thought might help me.  but now i think it might be good to just write in it to.

today was fine until i came home from the mall with al and kay. we had a pretty good time but home just isnt a place i like to be.
i'm in some desperate need for help and some feedback from the ppl i have contacted today hopefully i will get some.